I know this may seem like a morbid post, but it's just a reality check.... a heart-felt cry to the world expressing my own understanding as to why we watch those precious to us slip through our fingers as we are forever left with our arms outstretched and grasping...
I remember the day my two year old son died- like walking through fire, living in a nightmare. The months surrounding his unexpected death are a blur to me. I remember certain things, certain acts of kindess that shone as small stars in a bleak and dark existence.
Warmth, beauty, love; nothing seemed to reach me. I was a shell of human skin and bones that cupped the sea of misery and pain roiling inside of me.
I dreaded what I would dream at night; terror gripping me and nightmares of my sweet, gentle, laughing child- now cold and alone, lying in the ground miles away from the shelter of his bed beneath my roof. I dreaded even moreso waking up from those dreams to face the new day with out his tiny hand in my own.
How desolate the house felt without his laughter echoing through the hallways.
So, here is my understanding of death.
9 years have passed from that day. A sweet and poisonous day. It was the first aching step on my spiritual path and growth, and a path that I got to walk alone, regardless of the love outstretched to me.
Simply spoken, here is what I know; people do not die unless it is their time to go.
Too many heroic feats have happened, too many people have survived un-survivable things, too many impossible fates have been resolved, too many souls who may have served humanity by dying early... didn't.
In our human experience it is small to think we could live forever and only the "jerks" would go... it is human of me to miss my son, to ache for him. But, if I could change it, go back into time and change that day- I wouldn't.
We all have souls; Souls who are dedicated to our greatest potential. Souls who have lived for Eons with other Souls, beings of light who dance and fly and Love throughout all dimensions. We embark on the journey of Earth knowing it will be a temporary one. We know our families, we know who our children will be, who are parents will be, who we will co-ordinate our friends to be... and we Spiritually and solemnly PACT to serve each other's highest opportunity for spiritual evolvement.
As a human I understand the idea that it would be nice to have lots of money, all the love I could ask for, rock hard abs, a passionate career and ten hours a day to play and have fun... but my Soul, my Spiritual Guide that I have deafened and blinded myself to in this dimension is firmly rooted in the Spirit World and always diligent in providing the opportunities for me to grow from, to GET everything I came to GET from this Earth Experience.
We all choose DIFFERENT agendas for our OWN experience. I know we ALL will have a "dark night of the soul" night... but it will look different for each of us.
Never losing someone close to me, would never give me the blessing of peace, and faith, and compassion I have recieved because of it.
I am so grateful my boy partnered with me in living a short and energetic life on Earth so I could gain these blessings. I can't fathom the love he must have had for me.
As a human with human blinders on, there is no way for me to know what every other persons destiny is. But, I trust that there are NO ACCIDENTS, it is my place to do ALL that I can to LOVE all that I can, never counting on tomorrow, and that the people in my life I cherish will only leave as a preordained promise to us both. I trust that my own time to die is when it is best to go.
None of this understanding means that my arms don't beg to hold him on my lap once again, or brush my fingers through his blond hair again. But I accept it. I honor his gift by going on, living life, sharing my life, my lessons, my gratitude for the gift of him and his gift to me.
Thank you for reading.